November 5, 2012
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I Picked “B”…
Why is that sometimes we feel the need to tell someone (anyone, no one specifically) something? What is the benefit of someone else knowing? A simple transmission of knowledge doesn’t change anything…Why isn’t honesty with oneself enough?
That is, if I believe X, or if Y is true about me, and I know it, what good does it do me to tell someone else? It doesn’t change anything. The other can’t do anything about X or Y. The curious thing is that that understanding is beneficial. It’s completely irrational…still, there has to be some reason to it, right? I need to know! (Please note: it took a lot of restraint to use only one exclamation point there. A LOT.)
Cursed humanity!
School has been stressful lately. And normally I find things stressful…not because they have to be, but because I need them to be. I need a certain stress level to make myself do anything; or else, I always need to exert a certain amount of mental energy, and stress is the way it comes out. In any case, the history of my life has been a lot of stress, most of which was self-imposed. However, school lately has been the kind of stressful that I haven’t been making for myself. It’s completely out of my hands. With this kind of stress, it’s illuminated certain other parts of my life…largely because I’ve not been in “control” (in a obsessive, tightly wound sense) of my life.
I’ve lately convinced myself that I have some sort of personality disorder. It wasn’t an easy process; I’ve been trying to divine whether avoidance personality disorder or borderline personality disorder was a better fit for my weirdo behaviors. But, because of the mood swings and impulses that I hate and the fact that I tend to get through group situations, I think it’s BPD rather than APD. (Although, from what I can tell, there is some overlap, and the two aren’t mutually exclusive.)
And I want someone to know…but I can’t make myself say it because I don’t understand why it will make me feel better (also, I’m not 100% sure it will). Plus, there’s a chance that it’s too burdensome for the knowledge holder. The last thing I want is someone to share knowledge with me that creates some sort of responsibility I feel unequipped to handle. So, by the golden rule, I don’t really want to risk imposing that burden on someone else.
So, it’s probably best for this just to stay with me for the time being. My intention really is to make this a public post, but at a remote point in the future (so that you’d really have to look for it to find it).
Anyway, Xanga, that is all for the evening. Have blessed memories.
EDIT: I finally made this public! (Nov. 16, 2012)
