September 21, 2011
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Proclamation!
I’ve decided, and it’s official. I have never had a fulfilling relationship with another human being: not with friends, a girlfriend, nor school colleagues. Even the relationships with my family seem to fail. The relationships aren’t bad by any means. I just can’t rely on them when I need them for support.
For example, my recent skirmish with my roommate on Friday night has left me feeling half crazy. But, I can’t talk to anyone about it for various reasons. For one, I know that it’s all my fault and talking about it won’t help. Secondly, there’s nothing really to “fix” through conversation, so any talking would kind of be a waste of time. Furthermore, I rarely feel better after the talks. If any real and honest conversation I’ve ever had left me feeling anything other than regret and isolation, I might be inclined to bring up important topics with others. But that’s not the case. In fact, when I try to explain my thoughts to others, it’s not unusual for the other party to throw up. I’m not kidding. It’s happened twice…on very separate incidents.
*Sigh* I’ve made the decision to move out of my apartment and trade leases with another guy from school. My roommate and the new guy, I expect, will get along very well. I’ll be living by myself, which I think is probably best for me anyway. At least there’s some genuineness there: I’ll at least look as lonely as I feel. It’s better than trying to put on a happy face and be around others and still feel just as lonely. That’s almost like lying.
