February 1, 2012
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Equilibrium Almost Restored
So…this law-school networking thing isn’t working out for me.
I’ve given it my best shot, and it’s freaking exhausting. I’m worn out or stressed all the time. But, I’ve almost succeeded in alienating everyone who has tried to befriend me, but I’m almost back to normal. There are a few hold outs, but they’ll soon succumb to reality: It turns out that I am actually as weird/annoying/irritating/awkward as I think I am. Plus, Facebook just makes me feel like crap all the time…
And really, while I feel like a colossal failure, it’s for the best. It really bothers me that I can’t see what people are thinking. When I run possible scenarios, I’m always caught in damage mode. Naturally, then, I focus on the worst possible scenario…and I have a really good imagination, which is a terrible combination, like being a cynical romantic, or a perfectionistic procrastinator. Until I can harmonize some of the discordant attributes, it’s probs best that I don’t stress myself out too much about what’s/who’s happening around me.
*sigh*
It’s true: I’m my own worst enemy. But, I need to embrace my weaknesses and conform my surroundings accordingly. Someday I’ll even learn to play up my strengths. But, personal growth is a slow process…like pancreatic cancer. It can’t stop until you die.
Comments (2)
I wish I knew you in person. You come across as such an awesome person online that it’s hard for me to imagine you being “weird/annoying/irritating/awkward” at all. It’s really hard to ever know how others really see us, though, since they don’t tell us directly. Thinking about that kind of thing is what paralyzes me in social situations. You’re certainly right that the best thing to do, in that case, is just to try not to worry about what people around you think, and trust yourself to do what you think is best regardless. Good luck, and don’t give up!
@decembriel - I know…something about person-to-person interaction always complicates things. And maybe not. Maybe it’s a confusion of non-verbal communication. Because of the limited forms of expression via the Internet, non-verbal communication is more “standard” or “regular.” There’s not the chance to get lost in the subtle nuance–or worse, determining whether a particular gesture was intentional, an intentional signal, an involuntary signal, or a mere sub-conscious activity with no real meaning on the communication. That’s where I get tripped up and make things worse: I notice the activity, but I can’t decide how to process/attribute meaning to it. Then, the dynamic changes from RL to the cyber world, and there are no neat “translations.” Having an understanding of one’s usual tells means assigning them typed representations, which is also a difficult process.
Brains are interesting. But, you already know that. That’s why you’ve selected your major!