September 15, 2013

• I’ve Figured it Out!

  On occasion, I’ve bemoaned the fact that I am probably the worst Texan ever. First, I don’t own cowboy hats or cowboy boots. Second, I’m terribly allergic to horses so I’ll never be able to rope or ride’em. But the final straw that often blows people’s minds around here–I just don’t get football.

  There are so many things about this game that just make no sense. Mind you, I understand in general terms what the rules are and the scoring system (why there are six points in a touchdown, I’ll never know). I even bothered once to research the origins of the game–it’s almost entirely artificial. Basically, one guy just sat around one day and decided to think up a game. The result was football. And everything about the game is largely arbitrary and capricious without a real root in human endeavor, behavior, or goals for excellence.

  Furthermore, the idea of a “team ethic” in football is absurd. There is not one team, there are two. When the ball starts to travel a different direction, an entirely new group of people come out to try to either make the ball move the new direction or to keep the ball from moving in that direction. They’re not even supposed to be on the field at the same time!

  So, there’s a lot that about teams on the old grid iron that I don’t get. But, today, I realized why I don’t think of football as an actual “sport”: there’s no discussion of skill. There’s often talk about statistics: catches made, yards rushed, speed, etc. But there’s not really a discussion of the technique of the actual playing of the game. In tennis, for example, the way one handles a serve or delivers a backhand is key–and the object of much conversation. In soccer, the skill and technique one develops to kick the ball into the goal is crucial. Even in baseball, the mechanics of a pitcher’s throw determines the type of pitch that he makes. In football, in contrast, no one seems to discuss what a player does apart from saying “he’s really good because (statistics).” This is the bulk of a football conversation. Sometimes I’ll hear someone say “tight spiral”…but generally only one person throws a football. It seems that a lot of what happens on the football field is about “getting done,” and not about the whys that caused it. That’s boring.

  So, when you look at football, what have you got? Two distinct groups of people under one banner with very different objectives, trying to work under a set of complex and completely arbitrary rules that have little human dimension.. There’s no discussion of the particular skills or reasons that anything in that game; it’s all about what did or didn’t happen. So that it’s it, in a nutshell: football = Congress. Now I feel like I can finally justify my disinterest in this lame-o sport.

  I do recognize that there are many people out there who do enjoy tossing pigskin (err…seeing OTHERS toss pigskin?), and I’m not trying to take that away from you. I’m just saying–YOU ARE DELUDED IN THINKING THAT THIS IS SOMETHING WORTHWHILE. But, in all sincerity, I am curious: What is appealing about football?

  • 1:48 am
  • 7 Comments